Self-talk

Recently it's been suggested to me that I open myself to the influence of many spirits, most of them unhelpful when it comes to my making my way closer to God. I suppose for most of my life I would have been vaguely OK with the idea of a guardian angel but not much else in spirit form; however the way I see life and the universe and all that is changing. And the longer I sit with the idea that there are many spirits dropping thoughts into my head, expanding on the seeds of thoughts that started in me somewhere along the way, the more sense it makes to me.

But I don't enjoy this. And I wonder if it is part of the reason I've kept so busy through my life; because when things quieten down, off goes my mind, clackety-clack. And there are all sorts of opposing thoughts, quite a raft of assorted spirits, or so I now believe. Things like: I'm a good mother, I'm a lousy mother, I'm fast and efficient, I'm slow and ponderous and never seem to get anything done, I'm clever, I'm so stupid, I'm better than you, I'm so hopeless I'll never get to be anything near where you are, I'm not bad-looking for my age, my face is an ugly mass of wrinkles... and on and on.

Why is this happening in me? For the simple reason that I allow it. I like the positive thoughts because I feel momentarily good. However this fulfils the definition of addiction; it never lasts, I continue to need to hear the comments (whether they be in my head or from others) in order to stay feeling good, and I feel pretty bleak when they're not there. What about the negative comments? What do I get from them? Well I can feel awfully sorry for myself in this space, beat myself up a lot - with the faulty thinking that if I do that then maybe God won't.

For better or worse, I still see my mother as a beautiful person, a feisty, joyful, naughty leader-of-the-pack child underneath the painfully devout prayerfulness I grew up with. And she did a lot of this. Prayer, yes, but also lots and lots of negative self-talk. And I only need to look at her to be reminded that beating myself up is actually not the way to seeing myself as God sees me, doesn't make me any happier and isn't exactly fun for people around me either.

And I wonder if it's as simple as just stopping doing it. Just stopping.

But, like any other addiction, just deciding to 'stop' doesn't take away the gnawing discomfort. But it's a start, and I know where to go from there.....