God is?

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t believe in God.  I grew up with a lot of Catholic influence and saying prayers was a compulsory part of daily life back then.

Very occasionally, I’d have this sudden awful feeling that maybe God doesn’t exist, maybe it’s just a fairy story, a way to make me behave in an certain kind of way. My upbringing instructed me that to not believe in God was the road to ruin, and personal sacrifice, helping others, thrift and obedience would, in the long run, bring rewards.

I carried on, outwardly being the good girl but desperate to escape to some far-off country where no-one knew me and I could be as bad as I wanted to be. All the time, God was up there in the sky, smiling down at me, so I very much wanted to believe.

I did escape to a far-off country and was as bad as I wanted to be for a while. Even though I would still pop into a church whenever I saw one, I’d carry on, perhaps thinking that the God I believed in wouldn’t mind, as long as I said my prayers.

Now, at nearly 60, I continue to think a lot about God and, at long last, ask myself how things have panned out for me, the good, self-sacrificing, obedient, helpful, thrifty ex-Christian.* 

Who is God to me?

Well, I know I’ve felt driven to most of my choices and behaviours from a fear of eternal hellfire and damnation. God must be a powerful, unforgiving being who can never be satisfied.

But God is the kind, gentle, loving, comforting parent who will keep me safe and favour me because of all my earnest effort - won’t he?

I know which God I prefer.  But something within me insists that I need to be more open to that sudden awful feeling I used to get, the feeling that there is no God to bail me out, to make all my effort worthwhile, to reward me in the end.  

No God.  No reason for me to be kind, helpful, ‘good.’ I’ve thought for some time that atheists are far more honest, as a whole, because they make their choices for purely moral or ethical reasons. Would I?

If I did, would I continue to hear the beauty in music, feel the joy in making things and conveying ideas, see the wonder of things growing?  I like to think so.  Maybe there’s a reason behind those feelings; maybe I’ll find out, but I need to get rid of my ‘God’-gallery first.

*****

*The ex- in ex-Christian is because, many years ago, I dropped Jesus and the Holy Spirit out of the very un-mathematical ‘God is three and God is one’ equation, as taught by Christian faiths.

Opening up

I heard recently that I can't expect the world to become more open and truthful if I am not like this myself.  "From little things, big things grow," as they say. Well I know I'm pretty secretive, mainly about how miserly I am, but I'll give it a go.

By anyone's standards, I'm not exactly poor. I live alone in a four bedroom house that I own, on a 40 acre property in the bush. With my superannuation, a few years ago I bought an adjacent 40 acre property and started to build a bit of a shelter, just as a hobby. I also fully own a rental property, most of which is intended as inheritance for my youngest child, who has not yet received the inheritance the others have had. I also own a 20 acre property in New Zealand, in an area known for its scenic beauty.

Were I to sell these, I think I might get $250-$350,000 for the first, $60-$120,000 for the second, $180-$200,000 for the third, and $750-$950,000 for the last property, a total of $1.24 - $1.62 million.

My bank accounts are as follows:

Personal - $20,150.80. I will need a car upgrade very soon and want to attend my son's wedding in Poland

Rental property - $1974.01. The annual income covers the rates for the first three properties, plus $6-$7000 per year to my youngest daughter to support her study. 

Hobby property - $7,104.97. This is used to pay for materials as I go.

New Zealand property rental account - $1940.30.  As I have had some people paying to stay there in the last few months, I will need to pay tax from this account.

NZ personal account - $766.52

My income over the last nine months has been as follows:

Rental income in Aus - $3549 (rates have been subtracted)

Rental income NZ - as yet undetermined, likely a loss

Tutoring - $3114

Gardening - $1200

Bank interest - approx $400

Capital investment - approx $400

My expenses over the last nine months have been as follows:

Electricity $519.66

Phone and internet $239.54

NZ rates $116.67 (most is paid on my behalf)

Car fuel $1000.67

Car insurance $82.80

Car repairs $428.75

Trailer registration $99.15

Groceries approx $1087.68

Other (eg clothing, household needs) $660.30

Study support to daughter $6000

As it is not a full 12 month period, some expected expenses, such as car registration, further needed repairs, and the income statement for the new Zealand property are not yet available to me.

Some might say that my income and expenses are modest. The truth is that I am a miser. I eat food I have grown when I can, I buy fruit and vegetables that are in season, I buy most of my clothing and books at op shops, and I rarely buy takeaways. I sleep in the car or in a tent in preference to more expensive accommodation and I minimise my car trips so that I spend less time driving and pay less in fuel and repairs. I feel very uncomfortable with waste of any kind and will re-use or re-make or hoard rather than discard.

While I have plenty in my bank accounts, I am not exactly the basis of a strong economy if this involves circulation of money. I suspect that my miserliness is not a good thing, for me or others. When I sense it in others I can feel that they care more about money than about people; conversely, the truly generous people among us feel very good to be near.

Well - that's my thought for today anyway.