Lukewarm

The other day I had a massage. In my life I've tended to be wary of this kind of thing and it's only very recently that I've decided to 'bite the bullet' as it were. Strange expression for something that many people find enjoyable but I suppose pampering oneself was not something that was exactly a highlight of my Catholic upbringing (my parents being Dutch rather than Italian Catholics!) It has been suggested to me that becoming more aware of my body can be a window into becoming more aware of my feelings, and so I have been approaching massages as a way to discover anger. For example, when the person massaging me finds a tender spot and works on it, I would lie there willing myself to allow the pain, sometimes yelling out in anger which, if nothing else, seemed to distract me a little from the pain happening and I often felt that I was being punished (yes, I have discovered that pain is linked to emotions!) But some time into this massage I had this thought that I don't need to go through all this pain. I somehow understood that I was being too hard on myself and that I should ask the masseur to go easy, to make it painless. I was actually afraid to do this! Especially afraid that she would take it as a personal criticism. But I got brave and she was happy to comply for the remainder of the session. I've reflected a bit on this and some associated events recently. I'm now aware that I very often choose to do what I feel is expected of me or to do what will keep the peace in preference to what I really want. I've been doing this for so long that it's second nature, that most of the time I think I am actually doing what I want. Would I do this to the extent that I allow someone to inflict pain on me while telling myself that that's what I want?? Well - yes. One of the things that Jesus teaches is for me to take personal responsibility for myself. I really dislike this teaching. I want to feel safe and follow guidelines. I don't want to feel bad because I've made what seems to me like an awful mistake. I've learned from Jesus that God wants me to be actively involved in discovering who I really am, not to blindly follow a set of rules made by someone else in preference to thinking and deciding and experimenting for myself. I've always liked that phrase in the Bible where we are told that it is better to be hot or cold, but if we're lukewarm we will be spat out, or something like that. I never saw myself as a lukewarm person but the evidence is right there for me to acknowledge. When I come for a massage I make sure the masseur knows she can follow her own instinct about where to go and how hard to prod and I lie there feeling like a battered child. And that's being lukewarm. And I see that I do this constantly in my life and it gets me nowhere. I need to start seriously asking myself what I want, get over my issue about making a horrible mistake, and get hot or cold. I'm looking forward to my next massage. I'm looking forward to asking for a gentle soft massage and feeling like a pampered baby - and loving every minute!