God is?

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t believe in God.  I grew up with a lot of Catholic influence and saying prayers was a compulsory part of daily life back then.

Very occasionally, I’d have this sudden awful feeling that maybe God doesn’t exist, maybe it’s just a fairy story, a way to make me behave in an certain kind of way. My upbringing instructed me that to not believe in God was the road to ruin, and personal sacrifice, helping others, thrift and obedience would, in the long run, bring rewards.

I carried on, outwardly being the good girl but desperate to escape to some far-off country where no-one knew me and I could be as bad as I wanted to be. All the time, God was up there in the sky, smiling down at me, so I very much wanted to believe.

I did escape to a far-off country and was as bad as I wanted to be for a while. Even though I would still pop into a church whenever I saw one, I’d carry on, perhaps thinking that the God I believed in wouldn’t mind, as long as I said my prayers.

Now, at nearly 60, I continue to think a lot about God and, at long last, ask myself how things have panned out for me, the good, self-sacrificing, obedient, helpful, thrifty ex-Christian.* 

Who is God to me?

Well, I know I’ve felt driven to most of my choices and behaviours from a fear of eternal hellfire and damnation. God must be a powerful, unforgiving being who can never be satisfied.

But God is the kind, gentle, loving, comforting parent who will keep me safe and favour me because of all my earnest effort - won’t he?

I know which God I prefer.  But something within me insists that I need to be more open to that sudden awful feeling I used to get, the feeling that there is no God to bail me out, to make all my effort worthwhile, to reward me in the end.  

No God.  No reason for me to be kind, helpful, ‘good.’ I’ve thought for some time that atheists are far more honest, as a whole, because they make their choices for purely moral or ethical reasons. Would I?

If I did, would I continue to hear the beauty in music, feel the joy in making things and conveying ideas, see the wonder of things growing?  I like to think so.  Maybe there’s a reason behind those feelings; maybe I’ll find out, but I need to get rid of my ‘God’-gallery first.

*****

*The ex- in ex-Christian is because, many years ago, I dropped Jesus and the Holy Spirit out of the very un-mathematical ‘God is three and God is one’ equation, as taught by Christian faiths.