I think I've mentioned before how I've come to really value the time before dawn, when the thoughts that come to me are much clearer. They're passing thoughts but if I jot them down or get up and type then usually what emerges is something very helpful for where I'm at.
The simple truth I realised was that if we approach our lives with an attitude of wanting to give rather than wanting to get, well it's an almost immediate recipe for happiness! Though of course the motivation for giving must be loving rather than self-serving.
For example, I started out in life, as most of us do, working after school and in the holidays at a low-paid job and I did this for the money. And money would give me the freedom to choose, and I would be happy, and all that.
But it doesn't take a genius to notice that when I work only in order to receive the perks or to get a paycheck, when there is nothing in the work I actually do that I enjoy, there's a large chunk of unhappiness in my life. Not only that, funnily enough I'm more likely to get asked to leave, probably more for my attitude than for my incompetence. Unless of course everybody in the workplace has the same attitude – which is a depressing thought to say the least.
And the same principle applies to other areas in my life. If I am practising my music or craft and my primary aim is to get better at it so that I do not have to feel ashamed, it becomes hard work and my desire to do it drops away very quickly. If I take up an occupation or community service that does not pay me and my primary aim is not to give something to others, then I will find I don't enjoy it all that much, despite the perks I may receive. If I embark on a sexual relationship and my primary aim is not to give my partner the gift of sex, then I will certainly feel resentment, if not at the time then at some time later.
These examples open up small Pandora's boxes of their own I think. And as with every Pandora's box, the temptation is to shut the lid quickly and run away, but the challenge is to look in, feel the feelings locked in there if I'm game. Take the paid work example: even if there's a lot I like in my job, I have worked out that if I feel very tired at the end of the day there was actually a lot going on during the day that I didn't feel happy about but that I wasn't facing. For example, I hated meetings. I saw them as talk-fests and told myself I was far more effective by working at the coal-face than by just talking about doing that. But what I was doing was telling myself I was better than others, my contributions far more valuable – and ignoring my own discomfort at my feelings of inadequacy when with a group of people, all of whom deep down I felt I needed to impress. No wonder I was tired at the end of the day.
And if I am spending time with music or a hobby, and I'm not loving the process, just asking myself why will soon show me more truth about myself. On any given occasion it may be that I am afraid of being punished (by 'God', for not using my so-called talents) or of being judged as not-very-good by others, or that I am actually working on it in the hope of glory, entertaining dreams of high praise. Clearly my motive in what I'm doing then is not to give something beautiful to the world but to get something for my efforts.
If I am a volunteer of some kind in the community and I find the fun is going out of it, it may not be that I dislike giving my time and expertise, but the lack of enjoyment is a clear indicator that my giving has strings attached. Am I perhaps in it for the public recognition? Or is there a part of me that needs another's gratitude in order to feel good about myself? Am I perhaps trying to please my own inner voices, the 'parents' I have carried within me all these years?
What about sex? To be truthful, in my life I have been open to having sex for these reasons: because I was afraid of rejection; because I felt that I would be judged as a cock-teaser if I didn't; because I felt I'd hurt the man and that having sex would be a kind of apology, that it would redress the balance; because I believed it was expected of me in our relationship and I didn't want to feel guilty about withholding sex, and there may be more reasons as well. And somewhere in there, but not that often, I have had sex because I wanted to share something beautiful, just have fun with someone I cared about deeply and feel the joy and freedom in my body like a little kid would.
So for me this early morning thought, that only giving as a pure act of love will bring me happiness, has me resolving to look at everything I do, ask myself if I'm really enjoying it, and if not why not? I will notice a lot of sobering truths about myself, my desire for praise and recognition, my need to feel I am a good person, and so on. Or like Pandora, I can hasten to close the lid quickly.
Interestingly, in the myth, the only thing that didn't escape the box was Hope. I rather like the idea of leaving the lid open, allowing a little hope through, a stepping stone to faith that greater happiness is just around the corner....
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