This is an excerpt of a letter to a friend; I thought I'd put it out there in case anyone else is in the same boat and the spirit message is helpful to them too:
"I visited a friend who's been into psychodrama the other day because she was happy to do it with me. So there we were, her telling me to choose a time when I was little and set the scene. It was play-stuff and easy for me to get in to (would you believe that inside this cool calm exterior has always been someone who likes playing pretend games with little kids!). Anyway I randomly chose the age of three and constructed this scene of me being outside (where I felt safe from people) and the rest of the family all inside this rather dark house. I didn't see anything wrong with that but Mary raised her eyebrows a bit! Anyway on we went and the story developed into my losing my dolly Elisabeth and how I felt. I've been there before and know there's still stuff around that, but since then I've been thinking more of asking the little girl in me how she feels at different times of the day, which is quite interesting and surprising. Makes me realise how much I override acting on how I'm feeling with my 'need' to do something I think I want to do but which is partly, if not wholly, driven by my fear of what judgement, or some variation on that theme.
I was writing in the book that I use for imagining dialogues with spirits, wanting to clarify this sudden feeling I had that perhaps my difficulty feeling remorse was related to my choosing not to love myself, somehow that this not-feeling how I really feel also makes it harder for me to feel how others feel. This is what came back:
When you have these thoughts, be aware that we are trying to guide you with messages, pictures, memories etc and also that your own filters of damage and your allowance of unhelpful spirit influence will affect the purity of what you receive. So look carefully at what you believe is being conveyed and examine it for evidence of love and truth - or otherwise. So in the example above, where it is true that you have little love for yourself, little feeling of connection with 'little Karen' as was shown so clearly yesterday with Mary and Hugh, you also know that you very easily fall into the error of self-pity.
Loving yourself is very far from pitying yourself. Loving yourself is all about allowing yourself to feel. Spirits around you are very focussed on your not doing this and constant prayer to God, sincere prayer where you want to embark on feeling the feelings you had as a small child, is needed to lessen the spirit influence.
Once you are able to connect to your own very suppressed childhood pain you will have less difficulty in feeling remorse for your own children. Pray for help to feel anything at all, connect to feeling rather than hardening to it, and know that your childhood fears and pain etc are being activated. Do this without self-pity; do not rush to comfort the little child in you, or to shame her with thoughts of disapproval and self-ridicule, but embrace her as she opens to her pain, as God does to you.
When I want guidance 'from above' all I do is imagine what they might be saying to me, and generally the conversation starts taking a bit of a life of its own. At the time it feels just like I'm talking to myself but usually when I re-read it there is much that I find very helpful. So, I'm not for a moment suggesting that this is a 'pure' message and if it doesn't feel right to you, let that be your guide. And let me know if you want to!
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